Yuppy Love

What's the deal with "foodies"? I mean I like food. I like food a lot. But I don't run around acting like I'm some kind of aristocrat. And I hate the way people self-proclaim themselves to be foodies. A person who ever claims to be a foodie will always say it as a hesitant confession with a hint of pride. Like they're ashamed of it, yet simultaneously know they're better than you for it. A foodie is someone who really loves and appreciates the experience of eating i.e. every person who has ever lived since the beginning of time. I think fat people are the only ones who get to hold their love for food over our heads. Not so much because they simply like it, but because they're showing a true commitment to their passion. And the fine dining aspect is bullshit b/c that's a type of food yes, but there's a lot more food served outside the walls of The French Laundry that would lead me to buy into your "shameful" love for the very thing that we are biologically built to crave and desire in order to live. Yet, people still feel elitist about a hobby that everyone else shares. That's like saying "i really have a sensibility towards oxygen. I just love to breathe. I'm a bit of a breather." You're not better than me just because you shop at Williams-Sonoma. Oh you only eat at restaurants that your Zagat guide applauds for decor? Then go ahead. Confess what you are. An asshole.

Who's Line ISN'T It Anyways?

Whatever happened to the bald guy from Who's Line Is It Anyways? Wouldn't you think that a guy like that would have been involved with other things? I"m not saying he should have gotten his own sitcom, but shouldn't he be writing or acting in SOMETHING? If he was supposed to be so funny at coming up with stuff on the fly, imagine what he could do if you gave him some time to flesh some things out. But he ended up completely disappearing. I mean, this guy looks like a more washed up version of Bill Murray than...Bill Murray! This just all goes to show that he and that whole show were full of shit (this guy, not bill murray).

I mean look at the lovable Wayne Brady. He was a superstar on the show for his "hilarious characters and improvisations". And don't even get America started on his musical comedy. So the industry saw this and reacted to his stardom the way they would with any burgeoning, comedic superstar - they gave him his own show - The Wayne Brady Show. They gave this guy a variety show where he had an hour to do whatever this comedic mastermind could come up with. The show was an abysmal failure being canceled after the first season. I mean the show was atrocious. But the suits said, "No this can't be, he was so funny on Who's Line!" So they actually gave him another show (also called The Wayne Brady Show) this time structuring it as more of a talk show format so that Wayne wouldn't have to strain his comedic mind for the entire hour, but instead they could fill much of the time with guests and and musical performances. The show sucked the entire time, and they kept it going for 2 seasons before admitting defeat yet again.

And now look at Wayne Brady. What does he do? He's the proud host of "Don't Forget The Lyrics". After realizing the guy had no comedic value at all, Wayne Brady was banished, along with the rest of Hollywood's waste, to the world of tv game shows. The sad part though is how premature it came in his career. Even Mario Lopez had a good run for awhile before his exile to shows like Pet Stars and America's Best Dance Crew.

David and Goliath

So for lunch today, I ate a few slices of pizza at the cafe on the lot. And whenever I eat pizza it makes me really thirsty for the next 24 hours. So after lunch I was just chugging on all these bottles of water all afternoon. Eventually, the water began to take its toll on my bladder as well as my soul.

I quickly rushed to the bathroom where there were two stalls awaiting my performance. As I ran to the far right one and began to unbutton my unbuttonable....buttons, another coworker who I've never seen - and whom must have been about 8 feet possibly 9 feet tall - walked in. Suddenly cursed with a small case of stage fright, i hesitantly began to unload the first of the 3 gallons of water I had ingested over the last couple of hours. The neanderthal standing next to me also began to unload what sounded like an ACTUAL galllon jug of water. Due to the overall advantage of both size and confidence, he was clearly being more..."generous" towards his urinal. While I knew it was probably obvious to both of us that he was winning this unoffical competition of manhood, I really thought nothing of it. I mean it was really just an unfair match so I didnt' take it to heart whatsoever.

Suddenly, Andre The Giant looks over at me out of the corner of his eye just as I happen to be nonchalantly gazing around. Our eyes suddenly meet, and the most subtle smirk begins to form on his mouth as he squints his eyes back at me. This son of a bitch was getting cocky...no pun intended. I trully didn't mind before, but now I was pissed...again not intended. This piece of shit thought that he actually had something to be proud of pickin on a little guy like me. I squinted right back into the beasts eyes and with just a slight smirk of my own, I let the guy know he would not be stealing any candy from any babies today.

I immediately began to concentrate on all I had to offer. The mini fridge worth of water that I'd ingested after lunch was beginning to pay off. Using my reserves, I slowly began to gain power and he knew it. The smell of fear was in the air....and boy did it stink! He knew he was losing position and began to muster everything he had left in him. From the studio-grade acoustics of the bathroom walls, the loud sounds of two men in the heat of battle became painfully overbearing. I could barely hear my own thoughts in my head. Another co-worker walked in during the middle of this and dropped to his knees cupping his ears before he quickly turned around running out. As the door slowly shut behind him, I could hear the blood-curdling screams coming from some of the other women in the office.

We both gritted our teeth, sweat pouring down as we held strong for what we both knew would be the last stretch. We both began to die down. We were coming to an end and our weapons of choice had already reached those final moments as they transitioned from automatic to semi-automatic.

A shot from him.
SILENCE
A shot from me.
SILENCE
Simultaneous last efforts as...NO...it couldn't be...I slowly began to die out leaving him the sole heir to the throne (pun intended).
He proudly zipped up and began to strut away not even offering me a gentleman's nod when suddenly....

I felt it. The last of my reserves had kicked in. My fellow co-worker stopped in his tracks realizing defeat as his shoulders sunk down low. He knew he had been defeated and that he had brought it on himself. He dragged his feet as he opened the door, stepping over a young woman who must have fainted during the debauchle. I stood their for a minute soaking it all in (the glory), and slowly buttoned up. Victory was mine and once again...somewhere in the world...a David...had defeated his Goliath.

My Favorite T-Shirt Designs....with commentary.

Oregon Trail was the greatest game ever. Isn't it kind of weird how we are now at the point where most kids probably don't even get this shirt? Makes me feel old. What's weird is that while it will forever be one of the greatest games ever, if you tried to tell one of today's futuristic kids about it, it would sound like the most ridiculously boring game ever by comparison. You'd have to spice it up a little.

"Yea, so basically you play the role of a colonial settler....who...um...has just been sent on a top secret mission, code name "Manifest Destiny."

I feel like this time, the older generation is completely out of the loop. I could be wrong, but MILF is a fairly new phrase or at least a newly popularized one. Most of our parents don't really know it, which is a good thing since the phrase was created to discreetly speak about THEM specifically. I think the first time I heard it was in American Pie which was what...8 years ago?!

Anyways, this is hilarious. Can't say I've ever used the phrase myself, but if I had to think of a SILF......definitely Tuna Melt. On sour dough. GROSS!!!!!



Ok so this shirt is funny and all, but there's actually something upsetting about this picture. Obviously, the shirt only makes sense if a jew is wearing it. I understand that. But why did they have to pick the nerdiest, JEWiest looking kid to wear it. I mean, the only thing more offensive would have been a bearded Hassid wearing the shirt with a tahlis draped over his shoulders. I can honestly say as a jew that if I saw this kid walking down the street (wearing this shirt), I would probably commit a hate crime against him.

SOME OTHER FUNNY ONES

A Slow Death

I think I'm starting to get sick. I went to this site http://symptoms.webmd.com/symptomchecker where you enter in your symptoms and it will tell you what you have. Apparently its a program created by various doctors and medical technicians. In other words, the program is pretty accurate.

I entered in all of my symptoms:

Sore Throat

Headache

Stiff neck

Sore Eyes

Fever

According to the site, I am suffering from one of the following diseases:

Spinal Meningitis
Aseptic Menengitis
Chronic Sinusitis
Astigmatism (What?)
Multiple Sclerosis
Shingles
or Cervical Cancer


By the time you read thsi blog I may already be dead. But hopefully I will get all of these diseases treated in time before they get any worse.

The Beginning of an Era

I wanted to give a whole "...little 'bout myself" introduction, but I think that it's better to be a little mysterious. Maybe even go by an alias. So for now I'll just keep it simple:

Hi, my name's Taylor. I don't mean to clog up the "blogosphere" with yet another average blog of attempted wit and pretense, but I honestly just wanted to give this thing a try. I don't know if it will be interesting to anyone, and while I feel a bit self conscious about what I'm writing, I hope that maybe over the course of time, the things I have to say will make people wanna hear more, and maybe inspire them to start their own blogs (which I will gladly follow up on especially if I really was the inspiration)......Ok well that was kind of endearing, but a little bland. I may have won over some of the heart throb pre-teens, but I think I need to be a little more edgy if I'm gonna gain the trust of my more hip/contemporary constituency.

So I recently moved out to California and found a really great apartment in LA. Actually, it's sort of on the cusp of Los Angeles and West Hollywood. For those that don't know, Los Angeles is considered a hip center of commerce and pop culture. Where as West Hollywood, more aptly nicknamed "WeHo", is considered by many to be the gay capital of LA - and seemingly sometimes the world. So it seems suiting for me that I would be living on the border of the two areas. Noo. I'm not gay or bi-curious or metrosexual or any other recently popularized sexual fad. I'm just your average Type B personality trying to occasionally prove his manhood (mostly to himself) in anyway he can as long as it doesn't involve sports, building things with my bare hands, lifting heavy metal objects repeatedly, or mass consumption of beer.

Anyways, this is me. And the entries to follow are simply my thoughts and updates on the world as I see it. So I'll see ya around.